I was on the train from Dresden, Germany to Frankfurt yesterday when I was suddenly overtaken by an overwhelming wave of melancholy. Sometimes I can just feel the big life questions bubbling up. It starts deep in my gut, tries to escape but gets caught in my throat and trapped in my tensed-up shoulders. I feel like I'm in a deep-sea submarine or deep-space rocket with the oxygen slowly seeping out. There's no particular reason for these sudden paralyses, but yet also EVERY reason. I can list them off like the freckles on my skin. My future, my body, friendship, romance, social anxiety, health, wealth, all the -isms, the absolutely crippling thoughts about our existence as humans on this rock hurtling through the mysterious depths of outer space, our fragile environment, human rights, war, corruption, evil, and like, what is consciousness and how are we moving and thinking and breathing and what's out there and I could go on and on and on and on and on, but it's not really about that. Those questions are always there, buzzing around, but I can generally pass through daily life without being crushed by their magnitude. It's like, all of a sudden, the fog of daily survival lifts and everything rushes in and my breath catches in my throat and I want to throw up and tear out all of my hair (or chop it off......HA) and unhinge my jaw like a giant boa constrictor and crawl out of my skin. It feels like it will NEVER end, because how could it with all these unsolvable worries and questions? But I know that I have to just keep breathing and my soul trap door will close back up soon enough to mask the overwhelming thing called life.
On the other hand, some days I can't handle the stunning beauty and magic of the immensity of existence. That's a different kind of paralysis. I almost stop breathing, standing there with my jaw hanging open, because I just CAN'T even begin to imagine the scope of it all and how astonishing it is. Fuck.
But I survive these two different shutdowns with the aid of the ever-present voice of devil's advocate in my head. Past the blinders of my freakouts, I can glimpse the glitter sparkling in my peripheral vision and the problems / worries are always right on hand to sober me up when feeling love-drunk. My brain is a constant battlefield for balance and it's NOT easy, but often fulfilling and ten times more captivating. When I lose track of the battle, I know how to step forward day by day, even if that means just putting clothes on and feeling accomplished. It's a feat when everything is screaming out to STOP, DROP, AND CRY. (And yeah sometimes, I just stop, drop, and sob it out for a bit. Tears are good.)
I think writing my thoughts out in my journal and then crafting them for a universal audience really helps me push through the bog, little by little. Over-analyzation is my unchosen poison of choice. It can definitely inhibit me in certain aspects of my life, yet it's often perfect for bringing me back to Earth from external life paralysis. I'm currently dueling with the "I'm dumb, what's the point of writing this shit" feels, but I'm determined to defend myself against the cynical brain Vampires à la [title of show]. Bit by bit, I am forging my sword and suit of armor to stand up TO myself FOR myself.
Within the space of a blink, I feel every cycle of these emotions and back again. Still mildly want to pull out my eyeballs and throw up, but also just grin like an idiot.
When I was writing this, I had my iPod on shuffle and I came across some good songs for this brand of feels.
-Earthbound Starlight from Whisper House
-Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri
-Oh My God by Ida Maria
-Origin of Love from Hedwig and the Angry Inch
-Falling by Florence + the Machine
-Will I? from Rent
-Quiet by Demi Lovato
-Because by the Beatles
-I Gave You All by Mumford & Sons
Super random weird mix of things, but hey, it worked for me on this particular meltdown. I love writing out my personal thought processes on this blog. Maybe sometimes I cross the TMI line (Hello, future employers!), but the benefits WAY outway the risk for me. I know that when I surf the interwebs and come across something that puts to words to one of my undefinable feels, it feels like an enormous weight is lifted and I get so excited. So I keep on spilling out bits of my soul in hopes of maybe providing that to someone else. Payin' it forward.
In other news, I come back to the United States of America in like, five days. Wow, time and space really fuck with my brain. SO QUICK/SO SLOW, simultaneously! Ack!